


Insomnia

by Lustfulcat



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, Reincarnation, Spoilers for chapter 84
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-01
Updated: 2016-09-01
Packaged: 2018-08-12 11:04:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7932226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lustfulcat/pseuds/Lustfulcat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Levi turned thirty-three he stopped sleeping. Then he started to remember.</p>
<p>Written for the Eruri Weekend 2016 Reincarnation AU prompt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Insomnia

When Levi turned thirty-three he stopped sleeping. Insomnia was new to him; it snuck up, as did the anxiety that racked his body at random times of the day, leaving him feeling under attack. It was silly because it had him looking over his shoulder all the time as if he were afraid of monsters.

When he did catch short periods of rest his dreams were of tunnels and blood, of looking up through breaks in the rock at a ferociously blue sky that seemed to stare back at him. He was walled-in wherever he went and always woke gasping, feeling like he’d just lost everything.

Not one to seek help he tried to fix himself; however, he had an odd resistance to sleeping pills and attempts to wear himself out with running or work had little-to-no success. The sense of loss only grew stronger and Levi knew he’d truly lost it when he began to hear things. In the deepest parts of the night a deep voice would speak to him in velvet tones, saying his name with the roll of familiarity and leaving an ache behind. Levi heard other sounds too, the scrape of swords being drawn, inhuman roars, and the gurgling screams of people as they died. But it wasn’t just the sounds, it was the odd feelings that they kicked up in him; there wasn’t a day that went by where he didn’t feel shaky from adrenaline or weighted down with grief and guilt.

As he neared his thirty-fourth birthday the madness leveled up and the hallucinations started. He’d see a flash of blond hair from the corner of his eyes, a green pendant would swing along the edge of his vision, and sometimes if the trees swayed just right it looked like a giant hand was pushing them back; Levi wondered if he should check himself in somewhere but he didn’t want to be locked up. The caged sensation was bad enough in his dreams, which got more and more vivid with time.

One night he finally dreamt of being outside the tunnels in a red-roofed village. He couldn’t quite make out what was happening, as parts of the vision were blurred, but he was perched on a rooftop, bloody and battered. The feeling of loss was the most intense it’d ever been and when Levi jolted awake, sitting straight up in bed, the grief was so palpable that tears were stinging his eyes.

He scrubbed them away. He hadn’t cried since he was a child and he wasn’t about to start again because of some shitty dream. He decided to go for a run, not caring that it didn’t work; he just needed to get outside his own walls.

**********

The night was crisp and the air felt like ice as it hit his lungs. Tearing through the city, he let everything become a blur; the echo of that voice accompanying the pounding of his feet. Reaching a small bridge on the outskirts he stopped and leaned on the railing, gasping for air. His mental state was wearing him out physically; he could barely run two miles now without feeling like gravity was doubling down.

The cars going by left trails of sound that manifested into distant roars and Levi cringed as he stared down at the river. He was beyond exhausted, every fiber of his being ached for something and he was losing the internal battle that he fought every day. His mind was on shifting sand now, sleeplessness and unexplainable grief taking away his stability; he wondered how long it would be before he went completely mad.

“Don’t jump.”

Levi froze, blood prickling in his veins. It was _that voice_ , the voice that echoed in his head every day; it washed over Levi and took him somewhere else, somewhere both frightening and safe at the same time.

He turned, looking at the true source of that voice with wide eyes. A tall blond man stared back at him. He was well-dressed in slacks and an expensive overcoat but there were circles under his eyes…

Eyes which were the same blue as the sky in Levi’s dreams.

“Who the fuck are you?” was all he managed, for under his confusion was unexplainable relief. Somehow this person’s presence eased the loss that had been eating at him over the last year.

The man’s face changed then, from the kind distance of a concerned stranger to utter shock.

“Your voice…” He stepped forward, earnest. “I’ve been hearing it.”

Levi didn’t move, gauging what was happening and how close the man was getting since this was far too surreal and maybe he’d actually lost his mind. Maybe he was already unconscious, strapped down and drugged somewhere.

But if this was a hallucination then it was giving him more answers than anything he’d tried so he decided go with it.

“I’ve been hearing your voice too,” Levi muttered. “What the hell is this?”

“I have a theory but I didn’t think it was viable until I heard you speak,” the man said. “My name is Erwin, does that tell you anything?”

“Erwin…” Why did it sound so familiar on his tongue?

“And you’re?”

“Levi.” It fell from his lips, Erwin drawing it out of him without thought.

“Levi,” he said softly and Levi’s soul sighed. “I believe this may be reincarnation. Do you remember the monsters?”

“I’ve never seen them but I’ve heard them roaring in here,” Levi tapped his head. “I have dreams too, where I’m behind-”

“Walls,” Erwin finished, and Levi only stared, studying his face. After a few seconds another visage flickered in and out of Levi’s vision, one that was hardened, fierce and willful, one that made Levi’s heart jump into his throat.

“Are you all right?” Erwin stepped closer and the proximity began to tear at Levi’s mind. Images streamed through his brain as if he’d opened the door to a corner of his consciousness that had been hidden before. This man and him, they…were together…and they killed monsters together…monsters that…

“They ate people.” Levi thought he was going to be sick.

“They were called titans,” Erwin stated in a measured tone, as if he were trying to hold onto Levi with his voice.

Slowly Levi focused on the present, on what was in front on him, swallowing to wet his throat and keep back the bile but it was too much. Erwin stepped forward again, reaching out to steady Levi as he swayed under the mental assault, gently placing a hand under his elbow.

There was a ripple as they touched and Erwin stumbled back, falling to his knees as Levi leaned sideways and vomited over the railing. A car zoomed by and honked its horn.

It took some time for Levi to sink down into his selves; the memories were like reliving everything at once. He understood it all now: the sleeplessness, the anxiety, the dreams, the persistent feeling of loss...

_Erwin_. 

Levi looked up, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. Now that he _knew_ he could look at Erwin properly. Living breathing Erwin. It pierced Levi through and he stumbled forward, kneeling down in front of the man he let die a lifetime ago.

Levi was shaking, feeling like they’d just parted because, in a way, they had. He’d been filled with grief and the guilt for the last year but he couldn’t process it, not without knowing what caused it, and now that he _remembered_ his emotions were fresh, tearing at him.

Raising a trembling hand, Levi touched Erwin’s cheek with his fingertips. He was real, solid, right there in front of him and he still couldn’t believe it. At Levi’s touch Erwin started, blinking hard a few times and trying to come back, obviously overloaded by the onslaught of his old life.

Finally his gaze cleared and focused on Levi, his expression full of recognition and love.

“ _Erwin,_ ” was the only thing Levi could say. Anything else and he’d break apart, shatter right there on the bridge. “ _Erwin…_ ”

Levi wasn’t sure who clutched at who but they were suddenly in each others arms, Erwin holding him in a crushing grip. He nestled into the man’s neck, breathing in his scent and clinging to him with just as much force.

“Levi,” Erwin whispered into his hair.

Levi only clung more tightly. “ _Erwin._ ”

**********

“You look terrible,” Levi said, taking a cup of tea from Erwin’s hands and holding it by the rim. They were in Erwin’s living room, his being the closer of the two places, and reality felt oddly fragile, as if it were a bubble that could pop at any moment.

“I stopped sleeping last year when I turned thirty-six.” Erwin said, sitting close enough so that their legs touched. Levi had a feeling they wouldn’t be out of each other’s sight for quite awhile. “I kept waking up in agony, as if my right arm had been torn off. I thought I pinched a nerve but now I know why the doctors couldn’t find anything”

“My insomnia started around my birthday too. Then I was hearing things, seeing things. I thought I was nuts.” Levi stared at his tea. “I could be hallucinating right now.”

Erwin ran a hand through Levi’s hair. “I assure you, I’m quite real.” His fond smile made Levi’s heart beat through his chest. “And I thought I was mentally ill at first but I started to see a pattern and wondered if it may be a past life.”

“There haven’t been titans in the history of this world. Are we in a different universe?” Levi asked, moving closer until he pressed against Erwin’s side.

“It could be a parallel universe,” Erwin’s eyes held the same glow they always did when he theorized about titans. “Or it could be this world’s future.”

“Wait. We’re in the _past?_ ” Levi almost dropped his tea.

"I have no idea.” Erwin’s tone was grim. “I never got to see what was in the basement. I never found out whom or what created the titans. Don’t forget Levi, there was a world out there before the titans and I only got to see a small part of it.”

Placing his coffee on the table, Erwin turned to look at Levi and Levi tried not to cringe, for he knew what was coming. Sure, the sense of loss had abated but the guilt had not. He’d made a decision that he needed to own up for _right now_.

“The last thing I remember was sending you to kill the Beast Titan as I lead the troops to their death.” His voice was tight. “What happened after?”

“You fell on the battlefield but you didn’t die. A cadet carried you to me and Hange but-” Levi’s eyes were wide, staring at nothing. “I wasn’t around for much longer after that.”

“ _Levi…_ ”

“No, it’s not what you think,” he swallowed the lump in his throat. “Arlert had complications with the serum.”

“It was used on him? What lead to that choice?”

“I wanted to give it to you,” Levi stated, showing everything he felt then and now, letting it settle in his eyes as he forced himself to focus on Erwin again. “I had it out, against your arm and…”

Erwin found Levi’s hand and squeezed it. The silence was thick for a moment as Levi fought through the ghostly grasp of their past life.

“It’s a fucking curse Erwin, I couldn’t do it to you…and Arlert was in worse shape, horribly burned, he had fallen…and those brats wouldn’t stop.” Levi sighed, the battle reaching across time to wear on him. “I was so tired, Erwin.”

Levi couldn’t look at him anymore.

“I let you die.” He wanted to admit what he’d done; he hadn’t had time to deal with it but he wanted to confess or it would weigh on him too heavily to continue.

“Levi…” Erwin held on to his hand firmly, not allowing him to pull it away. “You made the right choice. Whatever happened to Arlert would have more than likely happened to me. Even Rod Reiss reacted horribly and he was a descendent of the First King. Maybe Eren was the exception to the rule. As I said, we never got all the answers.”

Levi hadn’t thought about the possibilities, about Erwin succumbing to the same madness that quickly overtook Armin, he hadn’t had time between this life and the last. It seemed that Erwin’s fate had been sealed no matter what choice Levi made; however, the choice still mattered since it allowed Erwin to die without being eaten and without turning into a mindless monster that consumed his friends and loved ones. Those facts didn’t ease Levi’s guilt but it did soften it a little.

“I have another theory.” Erwin let go of Levi’s hand to wrap an arm around his shoulders instead. “I believe that because of the sacrifices we made in our last life, we’ve been given the time we never got.”

Erwin’s right arm tightened around Levi’s shoulders and Levi relaxed into the warmth and solidity of the man beside him, knowing that they would both finally sleep tonight. It may take a little while but he was sure living quietly with Erwin would gradually erase the hell they’d been through and the things they both had to do to get through it. Maybe he could even have something in this world that he couldn’t have in the last. Maybe he could have contentment.

“And Levi,” Erwin voice was like coming home. “I want to spend that time with you.”

**Author's Note:**

> One of my many talents is being late to every Eruri Week/Weekend there is.  
> Another is how often I talk about these dork husbands, feel free to join me: @WorldWarEruri/world-war-eruri.tumblr.com


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